This is a blog about a serious
topic written in a lighter vein…
Please note that we are not talking about those millions of people who are so poor that they cannot afford buying a mask. Theirs is a struggle for survival right now. Let us spare them from the rest of this discussion. For all others, who do afford a mask or at least a hankie covering their noses and mouths, the world stands divided in four categories.
Category 1 – Co-vidiots: They don’t wear a mask (not even a hankie)
Covid danger score: 10 out of 10
Personality: There are 3 types of Co-vidiots.
1. Those who think “kuch nahi hota yaar!” (nothing will happen to me. I am invincible since this disease is not for my age group)
2. Those who say with a profound conviction “koi
phayda nahi pahenke, sabko honey wala hai” (it’s no use wearing one since
everyone is going to get it anyway…)
3. It’s OK to not wear a mask on my apartment floor, walking downstairs just as long as I am in my lane, inside my gated community since all of us are practically quarantined anyway…
Co-vidiots are aware of their behaviour. If confronted, they blurt out as per the agreed standard rude etiquette of their city e.g. Delhi – “Jaanta hai tu kisse baat kar raha hai?” (Do you know who you are talking to?)
Category 2 – Co-mplacents: Sporting a mask resting on their chest/throat/chin as they talk into their mobile on a very important phone call while walking in public
Covid danger score: 9 out of 10
Personality: These are the same people, who, during the pre-Covid era used to break traffic rules. They believe, that as long as you break a traffic rule very slowly – such as driving slowly on the wrong side of the road or jumping a red signal slowly it’s somehow OK. They don’t hesitate to jump queues or walk their dogs in posh apartment complexes without collecting their dog’s poo.
They are well educated and well to do people who are always in a hurry, but never on time. They generally have an inferiority complex which they hide by arguing, haggling, fuming, fretting or all of the above.
They think they are “jugaadu” (translation: innovative and street-smart). I know a person in our neighbourhood, who ran out of liquor. His friend had enough stock and invited him over. There was a strict lock-down in their area. So this person tied a spare Gas cylinder to his bike and rode to his friend’s home, so if the Police stopped him along the way, he was out to buy “essential supplies.” Surprisingly, people of this category also criticise others for not having a good “civic sense”!
Category 3 – InCo-mpetent: Wearing a disposable mask that wasn’t disposed, probably never washed, and now so dirty, it guarantees at least a secondary bacterial infection if not a viral (or your money back!)
Covid danger score: 8 out of 10
Personality: These are the despicable ones. They are in-disciplined and generally insensitive people, blissfully unaware of just how messy they are. They treat their maids and drivers badly to assert their authority.
They leave their mark – and I mean quite literally – everywhere. Their life is a collection of bad habits from speaking loudly, to blaring loud music from their cars windows down, to standing too close invading others’ personal space, to spitting in public places and littering streets as they travel.
If they sit idle, they bite their nails. If they read a book or count cash, they moisten their fingers with saliva, thus making sure that their full “microbial footprint” is effectively transferred to their community as a gift.
Category 4 – Astro-nots: Wearing a surgical N95 mask along with protective zero power phantom safety glasses, hand gloves, carrying a hand sanitizer with them while suspiciously inspecting their surroundings with suspecting eyes while surreptitiously walking maintaining a great social distance! (They would gladly wear a portable oxygen cylinder and a ventilator if one was available)
Covid danger score: 4 out of 10
Personality: These are paranoids. From the pre-Covid era, many of them have at least some form of OCD. They are highly intelligent, analytical, logical but generally pessimistic and cynical people. They live with fear, a carefully cultivated anxiety and a deep routed habit of worrying. The famous Mark Twain quote, “I have spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened” aptly describes these people.
They are the ones who hoard a year-long supply of everything at their homes and wish they had a fully equipped underground bunker they could escape to, with their families (and some actually do!). In later years of their life, they suffer from hypertension and constipation.
In the current situation, they are the most harmless category, in that they do not physically spread the disease. However, they do have a relatively modest score of 4 because they have the nasty habit of talking eloquently on webinars, blogging on social media, and writing articles in mainstream media that are scarier than all of Cassandra’s announcements in ancient Greece put together!
Their doomsday predictions start with something like this. “Even if only 60% of the 8 billion population get it and even at a 3% mortality rate staring at the scenario of a no vaccine due to this thing constantly mutating over the next 3 years, the riots and civil wars that will ensue…” You start losing your will to live, if you ever had the misfortune of tuning into their predictions, interspersed with facts extrapolated via generally sound logic. While physically harmless, their nervous mannerism and incessant blogging completely freaks out everyone and creates widespread panic.
So anyway… What category are you? Do you think there is a fifth category not listed above? Would love to hear your thoughts.
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